Why am I so jealous?

This sounds completely and utterly ridiculous in my own head, but sounds even worse as I write it down. I am really quite jealous of anyone who is pregnant at the moment. There I said it. I don’t where it comes from, the thought of being pregnant and looking after a needy little baby as well as a toddler, frankly scares me to death. But I don’t know, my heart kind of aches for another addition to our family and a sibling to my little boy.

The other day I had a conversation with a work colleague who was telling me about how she keeps a stash of girly toys at hand for whenever her little granddaughters visit. Prams and pushchairs, dollys and handbags are a regular sight in her household when the little ones come over to play. Then she said something that triggered something inside me “Well next time it could be a little girl for you”…… of course I laughed it off and said something about liking my sleep too much. But the reality is, I would love for that to be true!

We know a couple who announced that they were pregnant a month or so ago and I am guessing that they should be going for their 20 week scan soon. I am praying that it isn’t a little girl, its terribly selfish of me. But I just know that it will bring all these feelings to the surface again and I don’t want to act on them. Not yet anyway.

I am scared about going on maternity pay. I am scared about the pain of childbirth. I am scared about how I will cope with two children on very little sleep. I am scared that I will not cope with my return to work and that I could be pushed out of my job. But I long for another child.

Mother Nature you really are a bitch.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Ta ta all xxx