Why am I so jealous?

This sounds completely and utterly ridiculous in my own head, but sounds even worse as I write it down. I am really quite jealous of anyone who is pregnant at the moment. There I said it. I don’t where it comes from, the thought of being pregnant and looking after a needy little baby as well as a toddler, frankly scares me to death. But I don’t know, my heart kind of aches for another addition to our family and a sibling to my little boy.

The other day I had a conversation with a work colleague who was telling me about how she keeps a stash of girly toys at hand for whenever her little granddaughters visit. Prams and pushchairs, dollys and handbags are a regular sight in her household when the little ones come over to play. Then she said something that triggered something inside me “Well next time it could be a little girl for you”…… of course I laughed it off and said something about liking my sleep too much. But the reality is, I would love for that to be true!

We know a couple who announced that they were pregnant a month or so ago and I am guessing that they should be going for their 20 week scan soon. I am praying that it isn’t a little girl, its terribly selfish of me. But I just know that it will bring all these feelings to the surface again and I don’t want to act on them. Not yet anyway.

I am scared about going on maternity pay. I am scared about the pain of childbirth. I am scared about how I will cope with two children on very little sleep. I am scared that I will not cope with my return to work and that I could be pushed out of my job. But I long for another child.

Mother Nature you really are a bitch.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Ta ta all xxx

My birthing story

Anatomy Of Pregnant Women Anatomy Of Pregnant Women Human Anatomy Diagram

Well this post has come rather late, 18 months too late to be precise! I kept putting it off, but now when I look back, my memories are foggy and the story is fading away. This makes me a bit sad. I have to log what I remember now as I may never experience anything like it ever again. Yes it was painful (so very very painful) and a little bit traumatic, but it is still the story of how my little tyke came to be. So here goes….

My due date was on Saturday 28th June and in the middle of the night the labour pains started up. It felt strange and I am not really sure how to describe them…. very bad period cramps perhaps. But first time mothers are never on time right? So I put it off until the morning and they died off, phew! I was tired after very little sleep but relieved as it seemed to be a false alarm. I didn’t feel ready. But all day and night on that Sunday, I felt the pains on and off and I couldn’t get any rest. I felt exhausted.

By Monday, the pains had become less tolerable and whenever I laid on my side I felt the pain increase. We went to the hospital in the morning, which was about a 40-50 minute trip away.

Now let me take a little break within this story to tell you about my birth plan. I didn’t want to stay in hospital, no way Jose! I wanted to have a nice relaxing birth in the birthing pool with gas and air and no nasty drugs, they would make me feel sick and weird. I had made a lovely birthing playlist (as featured on my post ‘The birthing playlist that never was‘) and now I guess you can see where this is going……

The lady at the hospital said that I seemed ok and not in too much pain, if I was really about to give birth I would not be able to speak through the pain. She could examine me but this could increase the risk of infection, so of course I toddled off back home. I regretted leaving the hospital a few hours after getting back home. I had gone to bed early, telling my husband that I needed some rest. But I could not get rest. I needed the toilet for a wee, but I couldn’t go, it was only later that I realised that what I felt was the pressure of the baby head on my bladder. I went back to the bed and groaned and moaned and called for my husband, the pains were too much. He rang the hospital several times and each time they tried to put us off coming in…. try paracetamol, try a bath or try lying down. It was getting worse and worse until I snapped and said that I couldn’t hold on any longer. Off in the car we went.

The car journey was horrendous, especially when going around any bends. I kept pleading for him to pull over and he refused (its a good job as I believe I would have given birth in a layby). We finally got to the hospital just before midnight and shortly after I was examined. The midwife was shocked “Well done, you’re 8cm and you have done it without any pain relief”. Well I was relieved that someone believed me and I was relieved that I wasn’t a complete wuss who had an incredibly low pain tolerance. This was real. She took one look at my face and asked “Do you want to push?” this was the point where I couldn’t hold back any longer “Yes” I sobbed. So 20 minutes after arriving in hospital I was put on the bed in the delivery suite and told to start pushing.

Now this is where it gets a bit foggy. The pain was excruciating, the midwife said the baby was back to back and that was why I was feeling all the pain in my back. It was too late for drugs but I could have gas and air. Gas and air is a bit rubbish really in my opinion, but I took it anyway for all the good it did. The baby luckily turned in the right position, but near the end he was starting to get stressed and this pushed me to work my hardest and at 2:05am on Tuesday 30th June my 8lb 6oz baby boy was born. He was beautiful.

After some cuddle time with Mummy he sat on Daddy whilst I had stitches. Lots and lots of stitches. My legs were in stirrups for over an hour and I felt sore and bruised all over. Wow, childbirth really gives your body a battering. But it was over and the little tyke was finally here!

I keep thinking about what it would be like to do it again. I love my little man so much and I would do anything for him. If that means going through all of that again to give him a sibling, then I think maybe I could. But with drugs, its got to be with drugs next time!

I bid you all a fair evening my lovelies and ta ta for now xx

 

Our Sleep Routine

sleepy

Ever since the little tyke was a couple of months old we tried to install a basic sleep routine. It was quite difficult for the first six months, as young babies feed frequently and he had to have his naps in his moses basket in the lounge until we went upstairs to bed. Once he was six months old and we could put him upstairs to bed before ourselves, it became much easier to stick to a more rigid routine. I recall leading up to this point I got quite stressed and googled every routine under the sun. I wanted to do it right. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to stop being so damn silly. Do what suits you.

Our Sleep Routine

Between 6:00 and 6:30pm we encourage quieter play or watch something calming like ‘In the Night Garden’. I just have to say, that programme is so bizarre and has the little man entranced. I have never seen anything quite like it!

At 6:30pm we take him upstairs to his bedroom and he will not be allowed back downstairs until the next morning. We have been strict about this from a very early age, but perhaps this easier for us because we do not have other children who we are worried about disturbing at night.

He gets a little bit exited when he first goes to his room and will start walking around playing or will pick books off the shelf to read. We settle him and change his nappy, apply his moisturiser (for his eczema) and put on his pyjamas. When he was little I would always use blankets but I much prefer to use sleeping bags now as he is such a fidget!

We have a dimmer switch in his room, so at this point we will dim the lights a little and turn on some white noise. The white noise is played on his BT monitor at a very low level and we will lower it until we eventually faze it out.

He is still drinking his bedtime and morning bottle and its getting a bit hard to shift. He is feeding himself though, so it is work in progress! After his bottle he will have a dummy and I will read him a random book from his book shelf like Postman Bear or The Gruffalo. This will be followed by one last story ‘Bedtime for Peppa’, which is a nice tone to settle your child before sleepy time.

After a hug and a kiss on the head, he is put into the cot with his blanky toy, I turn off the lights and say “night night, love you lots”. I turn off the lights on the landing and leave him to settle himself. The vast majority of the time he settles himself to sleep very well, but it doesn’t always work and we may have to pop upstairs to help him settle.

Do any of you have sleep routine tips that you would like to share? I would be interested to hear your thoughts!

I am quite sleepy myself after all this sleep talk! Night night all and ta ta for now xx

Liebster Award

My little boy is growing up

Favourite family films

How becoming a Mummy changed me

motherhood

“I’m still the same person I was before I had a child” I claimed the other day, but the other person in the conversation did not agree with me. It made me think. Am I?

I’m more confident

I have always struggled and battled with shyness, its held me back in various different stages of my life. Becoming a Mummy has seen a massive boost to my confidence and I often ponder “why?”. I guess its because its not about me any more, its all about the little tyke. I want him to be surrounded by people and I do not want him to struggle like I have. I have to be stronger for him. Giving birth to a child is no mean feat and afterwards I felt very empowered.

I cry more

Well, not strictly true. I feel more emotion and empathy than ever before and I especially feel upset about any harm that could come to another child or baby. But it doesn’t even have to be anything as poignant as that, sad bits on animated films make me cry. Whats that all about you big softy? Note to self, do not watch the first ten minutes of “Up”.

I have more patience

I guess I have to now. I was always so terribly impatient before, but I really don’t know why. The little tyke does test my patience at times but I am a lot more calmer and laid back than how I would have been in the past.

I love my husband even more

I had a bit of meltdown when I first came home with the little tyke. My husband had been so laid back/in denial during my pregnancy, he hadn’t cared to read any of the baby books to be prepared for what was to come. As a result, I felt completely alone and without help at that point. But following a rant from myself, he had a reality check and has worked hard to become the best Daddy he could possibly be. He is a superstar.

I am more capable than I thought

I didn’t think I had it in me to do this motherhood lark. I thought I was too selfish, too shy, too impatient, too much of a stress head and I worried that I would be useless as a Mummy. To be fair I was a bit useless to start off with. Google was my friend and enemy in the very beginning. But I learnt a little bit each day and I got through the hard times.

mummywalk

Little tyke has made me a better person. I think I am the new, improved version of me.

Ta ta for now all xx

The birthing playlist that never was

babystork

I had planned on a water birth, but as some of you may know, Mother Nature does not always follow your desired plan. The reality for me, was being rushed into the delivery room ten minutes after I arrived at the hospital because I was already 8cm dilated! No drugs! No pool! No relaxing, calming birthing music!

I later found the CD compilation that I put together in the bottom of my hospital bag, never to be used. I still have the folder on my computer, lets have a look at some of the songs I put together on the playlist –

  • Carnival – The Cardigans
  • Lets stay together – Al Green
  • Cupid – Amy Winehouse
  • The sea – Morcheeba
  • Don’t stop – Fleetwood Mac
  • The distance – Cake
  • You do something to me – Paul Weller
  • Ten storey love song – The Stone Roses
  • Walking on a dream – Empire of the Sun
  • You’ve got the love – Florence and the Machine
  • To the End – Blur
  • Golden Years – David Bowie
  • Days – Kirsty MacColl
  • Wild horses – The Sundays
  • Love of my life – Queen

I wanted to put together songs that relaxed me and I liked. Listening to whale music, wind chimes or panpipes would totally have the opposite effect on me (they play this kind of music in the beauticians I visit and it irritates the heck out of me). I knew I would be nervous and it had to be something familiar to me, something that helped me think positive, calm thoughts. At the time, I googled other mothers birthing lists and found that a lot of them were quite comical, would you seriously want to give birth to ‘Push it’ by Salt N Peppa? Not for me, thank you!

Did any of you plan a birthing playlist? Did you get to use it? Its such a personal choice for us all and it can be a great thing to help motivate/relax you during childbirth.

Take care all, ta ta for now xxx

Too tired for more babies?

baby

Lately I have felt so, so tired and I really don’t understand why. We are way past the night feed stage and the little tyke is sleeping fairly well at the moment but I still feel sapped of energy. Its when I feel like this that it makes me wonder; could I cope having another baby? I don’t know if I can and that makes me feel a little bit sad. Am I alone in feeling like this?

I found the baby stage really, really hard. For the first six months I did not enjoy it at all and I felt very low at times. The sleep deprivation was so hard to deal with and I struggled with the physical after effects of giving birth for a long while. Please don’t get me wrong, the first time I layed eyes on my son it was love at first sight, but I felt absolutely useless in the beginning. I didn’t know how to do anything and I had zero confidence in my abilities. If I did it again of course I would probably be better, in fact I know I could be better. But I still worry how I would do.

If I am honest, I would love a little brother or sister for the little tyke some day. It would be lovely to see him bond and play with another sibling, he would make such a good big brother. But if it didn’t happen for whatever reason would he still be ok and how would I feel? Would I regret it? I guess work is not really helping me at the moment, its been pretty full on and the stress is probably contributing to the tiredness more than anything. Also, the little tyke is walking now, so he is into everything and he can be bit of handful at times. But I love how he is now, he’s so great at this age and I will miss this time. Please don’t grow up too quickly little tyke!

There is so much to look forward to with our little family and I am excited about what the future has to hold. With regards to extending it one day; it may or may not happen. Who knows how I will feel in time to come?

Ta ta for now xxx

Moving house with a toddler

moving-house

When the little tyke was exactly one year and one week old we moved to our new house, and still to this day I cannot believe we did it! We moved to our old house ten years ago and over time decorated each and every room, until there wasn’t a space we hadn’t touched. We loved our house, it looked just how we wanted it and it worked for us. Then the little tyke came along and the space got a whole lot tighter. We didn’t want to move just yet, especially with a baby in tow but after six months of maternity leave in those four walls, we decided that the best thing would be to find somewhere more suitable for our new family and put our house on the market.

Moving house is incredibly stressful at the best of times without the added pressures of looking after a young child and I really didn’t know if we would cope very well, but we managed. When we had viewings on our house the little tyke wasn’t particularly mobile at that point, so it wasn’t too hard to keep everything looking clean and presentable.

Over the weeks I sorted through all of our belongings and put them into throwing, charity and keeping piles. We had numerous trips to the tip at the weekends. I emptied the whole attic and put it into storage, and on the weeks leading up to the move, we packed box after box after box. On the very last day but one,  I made a box up with all of our essentials –

Moving House Essentials Box

  • Kettle
  • Mini hoover
  • Tea, coffee & sugar
  • Washing up liquid and sponge
  • Tea towels
  • Biscuits
  • Mugs
  • Hand towel
  • Soap
  • Toilet roll
  • Takeaway menus
  • Cleaning products
  • Bin bags
  • Mobile phone chargers
  • Baby bottles
  • Steriliser
  • Baby food bowls
  • Baby food
  • Glasses
  • Selection of toys
  • Little tykes pyjamas
  • Little tykes sleeping bag
  • Little tykes comforter
  • Our nightclothes
  • Scissors (for opening boxes)

On moving day we dropped off the little tyke at nursery and got cracking! We had people from both sides of our family come and help us load up the van with boxes and furniture. It was absolutely exhausting and it felt like a race against time to get the new house in some sort of order before we picked up our little man. The first room we prepared in the new house was his bedroom in order for him to be nice and settled at bedtime, luckily he was absolutely fine.

Five months have passed and we still do not have all of our boxes from storage and we still haven’t put everything in its place, but we are ok. It takes time to make a house a home. We are just glad it is all over now!

Ta ta for now! xx